I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
