shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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