The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
