You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
