had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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