his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
