You smell like a Billy Joel song
My cat gives me a boner
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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