My liver just broke up with me...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
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I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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