u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
