Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
