By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
