so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
