my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
