i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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