just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
