Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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