Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
