I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
