If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my shit smells like andre
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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