I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
