I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
