My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
