Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
All I want is dick and wine.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
