I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
