Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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