Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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