He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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