She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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