After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
