just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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