That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you didnt know i had herpes?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
