she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
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i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.