She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Randomize
