Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
