I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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