that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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