If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My penis needs a shock collar
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
