You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I AM VODKA MAN
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
