Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Did I show you my penis last night?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
