i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
