I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
don't judge my taste in strippers
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Shame - the story of my life.
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