Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
