I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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