i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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