i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sext me about skeletons
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
