did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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