hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
