I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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