we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
