I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
