i need an iv and a liver transplant
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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