I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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