he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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