I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
