I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
