: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
