so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
