Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
