My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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