I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my shit smells like andre
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
