so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I looked at my own cervix.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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