apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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