you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
